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ugh [01 May 2010|06:28pm]
[ mood | pissed ]

Yeah so at this moment I'm really pissed off but I'm trying hard not to let it effect me but i can't help but wanna scream right now. I didn't do a damn thing wrong but of course I'm being prosecuted as if I did something of uncontainable evil. All I did was try to get fucking jeans and all that I got was nothing but a weird attitude and a bad smeared smile. I didn't do a thing to deserve it, because people flirted with me and I honestly didn't even look at it as if it was more than people trying to get me to buy what they were selling. I'm being driven insane right now but as usual though I'm told I can say whatever's on my mind honestly I can't say a damn thing at all... Because I asked and got nothing from it; and of course as I was driving she wouldn't even say a damn word to me because she would prefer to txt someone else just like Kaleah would do.... Fucking bullshit.

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nom [24 Apr 2010|11:07am]
So I'm eating breakfast right now and I'm talking to Tina. To those of you who don't keep up with my life, she's my girlfriend at this point. XD It's awesome, almost like my cappuccino.
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pleasant [24 Mar 2010|09:45pm]
It's about time that I put something up since iono I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
Last I wrote in here I think it was right after my second arrest I think, maybe not. I can never be too sure what's happened, I don't enjoy looking back into this since sometimes I realize things about myself that just make me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I realize that I excrete stupidity like most chicks I know suck dick. [Note: This isn't an insult to all women I know, just the very large collection that enjoy giving pleasure for the nominal fee of a few beers... You know who you are -cough-].
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-Sips Coffee- [11 Mar 2010|02:26pm]
I woke up and I came to the understanding that I needed to get in touch with my attorney. This led to the average run around you usually get when trying to get in contact with anybody important or up the chain of command, especially if they're good at what they do. I've got to wait until 2PM or so until I can contact him, which is kind of a bother since I really needed him right now.
As of yesterday I found out that even though I was released from probation and I enrolled myself into an outpatient treatment center Task does not want to take me.... Their reasoning is that they want to see me in treatment. I don't see that at all since they wouldn't be in my treatment nor would they be accompanying me to my classes. This is just another hurdle I need to overcome as quickly as humanly possible. it's really eating at me since I could lose my new job if they keep adjourning my case, which is what they've been doing for almost seven months now. I detest the incapability of the US judicial system to make things easy and stress free to attain. On a similar note but different topic, I was released from probation and given a 350 fine and didn't get jail time for the felony charge or the evading arrest charge XD... I pwn.
Lately I was binging with ecstasy and anything I could my grubby little hands on and I was fine with that. Right now I really don't want that any longer and I moved away from my friends yet again, though thins group would have gotten me arrested again,______ I'm sure of that. Plus I was drinking every night for a month and I really didn't like how I felt, I felt like an alcoholic with a real issue. I've never honestly felt like I had a problem until this last month. I know it's not any other persons fault other than my own but I really didn't realize it as vividly as I did now. I can drink with certain people but with others I really go ALL out. I don't even pace myself or realize how foolish I look when I'm hanging on things. My fathers right, a drunk is everyone else's jester or town fool. there to entertain and loose his/her self respect and dignity.
I'm back at my usual treatment facility and the strangest thing happened.... I'm dating this woman Ariana and it came to my attention that her father is a councilor at my treatment center XD. Talk about the odds of that happening right. Now I've gotta be on my best behavior or I'm gonna get reamed by her father and her if I fuck it up. God damn karma throwing me another oddball into the already popular three ring freak show I call my life. Not to say that I mind it and all, but right now a less stressful life is really what I'm trying to get together. Once James is down from Albany and I have a chance to sit down and talk to him I think I'll be fine. I just feel kind of empty right now as usual, like nothing is stimulating whatsoever.
HA! The task program honestly fucked with me..,... the fuck.
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Writer's Block: Welcome to the mobile decade [11 Mar 2010|01:14pm]
The eighties were known as the Me decade. The nineties have been called the Electronic age. So far, what would you label this decade?

I would probably call these last ten years the belligerent age
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[28 Jan 2010|09:06am]
There's a lot that I would want to say to you, soo much that needs to be put on the table. But this morning as I sip my coffee and stare down at my pathetic breakfast [two pieces of toast] I wonder how simply wonderful it would be to gut you. To sprawl your screaming body on the table before me and watch you dance slowly to the rhythmic screams you let out. Pondering this most sckewed of thoughts I realized that I had let my coffee go cold. Damn, things were just
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hmm [20 Jan 2010|10:09am]
Going to the gym with MoFo as usual. Though it's been some time since last I was able to put my body through some serious work XD. god damn it, I seem to always put myself into self destructive relationships, always with a bold and italic expiration date on the side. [so and so bound to end by blah blah blah 2000ANDspoot] =_____= inevitability is a bitch. Either I get bored and I do something stupid, or I lose interest, or I purposely fuck things up in order to get some sick joy out of watching the other suffer. I'm starting to realize my masochistic nature. More emotionally than physically. I'm sure I want something serious, but I just can't figure where this true partner in crime will be... God damn it, I'm so fucking impatient with these things.
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Juego: Opening [16 Dec 2009|07:18am]
A face scattered across shattered glass, white noise from the town below. Listless hearts wrestling with ones inner most demons. All of these things cam together like a Picaso, form in it's lack there of. Grotesquely beautiful My fist was burning but that didn't matter anymore. Faced with the realization of my weakness.... I assumed I needed a new bathroom mirror. Should have directed my anger elsewhere.
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[14 Dec 2009|09:12pm]
Treasure the moments that are hidden behind the shadows of the eyes
Read them like poetry softly spoken amongst lovers
hold tightly with little hands attached to ivory thin arms
and never let go of the most important things said without words... See More
"thank you for being you,"
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morning folks [05 Dec 2009|08:16am]
Just got out of work my friends, sitting at the computer as usual sipping warm milk before I go over to the bed and make nice for a few hours. Thought that maybe I should drop in for a moment or two.
Things have been stable the past few days, nothing has changed except yesterday morning when i came home from work and parents decided to kick me out again.... Nothing out of the usual. Smacked a nicotine patch on and I was on my way XD. hahaha.
Had an amazing salad last night for lunch, and I was able to do two ailes and sale them by six thirty or so. Leveled and done by seven thirty. Twas a good night for me. Now I'm off for bed, pce yo
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eh [03 Dec 2009|09:18am]
I've noticed that since I've started my new job I can't sleep when I come home... I still need some stimulation, to be active for a bit before I hit the hay. I think this is becoming a bad habit no matter how you look at the situation. I really need to get that thing in check and go to sleep at a decent time hahaha :3 i can't just chill around and think that it's normal that I sleep like three hours a day and go to work :3.
So this morning was really nice, hehe. I love going online and having my random convos with Tara, they always cheer me up and get me going before times up at work and I have to leave. I hope she gets in a good mood before school.... Though she's usually crumby cause she's not a morning person AT ALL. haha. I miss her making me breakfast and going on our afternoon jogg before lunch. :/ guess I'm a sucker for a cute smile and stunning set of legs... That can apparently reach across a room and almost take my head off. [don't piss the wife off again].. OH SHIT, I didn't mention that she tried to nail me with a tennis racket! I was soooo pissed, there was no reason to have that happen either. I threw a ball at her [a tennis ball] and accidently pegged her arm. I did a pendulum throw over head and just snapped my wrist, there was no power at all behind it. She flipped and threw the racket at me. Her mother was totally on my side on that one, since like that was so overboard. But alas, it ended horribly than ended amazingly hehe.... [lips shut on this one folks]. It's nice to have a girlfriend with some feist in her, though I think I'll lay off the tennis for a while.... Too dangerous.
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drive to work [02 Dec 2009|10:43pm]
At the moment I'm in the car as my father is driving me to work, a little tired but so far I'm in good spirits. I'm just seeing how my phone does with mobile updates :).... So far so good hehe.
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mew [02 Dec 2009|10:18pm]
Today was a fairly good day. I spent the whole day sleeping and whatnot while Tara was in NYC walking around with her class on a trip. I really hoped she enjoyed it and as she stated she loved the whole experience hehe.
I'm still tired and I took a few painkillers for my back... guess its starting to happen mew
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To myself [02 Dec 2009|01:40am]
I've been doing fairly well with sobriety... I will have to honestly admit that at first I didn't think that I could pull that off... I didn't even plan to pull it off, but apparently I'm stronger than i would have cared to believe.
With time I've been getting better and better with my job and also I've liked to think that I've gained their respect as a sick and strange individual with a rather interesting liking of books [I think that if I could I would devour a whole book in a day if, given the time] I'm also slightly fond of Will, who seems to be a good person as far as I know but doesn't make the best decisions for himself does this ring a bell to anyone?
I've been losing weight recently and now I'm legitimately down to one hundred and twenty five pounds. I haven't been this thin since I was in High School. I'm not stating that I'm completely all right with my physical standing, but rather that as of the moment my health is of no concern to anyone since I'm eating there meals a day and also exercising as much as I can. I actual recently was in Philly and I went jogging two days in a row; thank you Tara for pushing me to do it and making me realize I actually DO have ass muscles since they were sore today.
I've found that trader Joe's is like my new all time favorite place to shop for groceries and also that I should look into drinking tea instead of coffee so often, it might be healthier for me.
Now to break down my day:
I woke up
I laid in bed
I went to the bathroom
I laid in bed some more XD
I received some txts and followed through with answering only Tara's
I thought about making more replies.... Than I woke up thirty minutes later wondering what happened.
Smiled briefly at the boots that Tara bought and also enjoyed the new painting she started.
I worked on reading a little more of "Let The Right One In" and I lowered my head and came upstairs for this.
This is basically the rundown on my day; there was chillage with Will but that fell through on accounts of marijuana and sleep deprivation, in lue of these events I found that he canceled Dreamcast night. I saw ATHF for the first time in months and I also took some time to meditate to myself and think. I had an amazing conversation about inter-dimensional travel and what humans should verses what we DO do in order to save our mother earth. It was in every sense mentally stimulating. I don't often have any conversations that are stimulating and I cherish the ones I do happen to fall into. I just don't surround myself with enough people that challenge me I guess.... I wonder if that's a bad thing ??
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opening [16 Oct 2009|01:03am]
[ mood | pensive ]

Today was a rather interestingly god day. I woke up at around one as usual since I can't sleep too well. I think that since I wake up everyday at five thirty in the AM I'm getting my sleep completely fucked up you know?! But I can't help that since I do it for Tara, she enjoys talking to me before school begins and so do I.
I had my coffee as any normal afternoon/morning is for me.... Though one cup leads to six, twelve and so on and so forth. Relinquished the cup and sat for a moment to take in everything that the morning was offering... School buses driving up and down the blvd towards their respective destinations, people hovering at their doorsteps smoking a cigarette as they blankly reaffirmed their addictive personalities. Nothing out of the normal for what I call my "morning".
Finally started to get myself together for the gym, as I collected myself, my love Tara got out of school. We exchanged pleasantry's via txting until she arrived home, but at that time I was already in MoFo's car on route to his humble dwellings to pick up personal records he needed to convey to his insurance holder. I would go into further details but that isn't in my place to reveal. I sat in the back of Leviathan 2 [his most trusted means of transportation- i.e his SUV], I called Tara and we continued with our usual exchange of stupid conversation followed by updates on hour our days were... Usually hers being more involved since I don't do much in a day other than anim, eat, workout, read, and the possibility that I'll take an afternoon walk to remind me of how awfully dull Brentwood is. She had to get to her work, and I had to get to my workout. Gym. Than off to MoFo's.
While there we ate what we bought, this being Teriyaki and Naked fruit smoothies... OMG which I've got to say was an amazing smoothie, I can't even front. We watched a little of "The Cleavland Show" and "Community", both insanely hilarious.
The rest of my day was just as uneventful. I finished "RING" by Koji Suzuki, and started on "Let The Right One In" By John Ajvide Lindqvist... [people and their impossible to pranounce names damn it]. I want to have them both done as soon as I can to return Tara's books to her. Anyhow, I've got to hit the damn sack at this moment. So I'll hit this up as usual tomorrow for another enthralling edition to my journal. :3 adios world.

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self confirmation of recent events [10 Oct 2009|12:47pm]
I've been better recently than I have been in a long time. Though recently I had a small altercation with the law. I was once again arrested by New York State troopers for speeding and drinking. This isn't really something I'm very proud of as of right now but I have nothing to say in my defense except that I'm a complete imbecile. To come this far and to almost throw all of that away because of a bottled bullshit thingy. I can't believe myself for being that irresponsible.
My relationship is going very well to say the least on that subject. The only thing that troubles me is the lack of communication we've been having as of recently because of her school and my hectic work schedule, which if I get this new position I'll have an even more insane schedule than previously. But like today, I have off all day and she said she wanted to talk to me today and as of right now I've gotten jack shit in response and reaction to that statement. That's annoying since I took off from work to make time for her since we've been so busy and stressed recently. Sometims I think that I should just focus on myself and stop responding and caring about others like I used to. I did so wel back then, I used to get by and saved myself from soo much drama and damage. But later I made so many enemies because I was being kind but false, I didn't keep anyone near me or dear to me. I know that this statement is ridiculous honestly, since things are fine as they are. But I hate the fact that I try and try to make time and have that time thrown back at me. Right now I could be making money but I'm not in order to spend just THAT much more time with her and hear her voice. I do respect that she stay up late for me so that she can talk to me on school nights and she gets four hours of sleep. I don't downgrade that commitment, but I wish she would kind of take advantage that today I took time off for her. Kind of annoying to say the least.
School is something I haven't been able to go back to since of all of the recent predicaments. I really wish I could go back, but I can't until I've completed all that I need too. Now that I have this felony conviction I don't even know if I'll ever go back since I might have lost my financial aid for good.... That scares me a whole lot right now since I don't know how I'll do college with no financial aid.
I bought a new car that I can't drive..... fuck me for the irony of this all.
I think Squee put it best when he said " Stick to the FUCKit theory"... cause honestly right now there seems to be a lot of things I would like to say fuck it to, or FUCK OFF.
Back to initial aggrivation.
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Libra MALE [me] with Aquarious FEMALE [Tara] [01 Aug 2009|02:15am]
A Libra man and an Aquarius woman gel quite well, as they have many similar personality traits. Their relationship has the advantages of both a love match as well as friendship. He will always make her feel special and there will be no lack of demonstrativeness on his part. His light-hearted attitude, his flirting style and his intellectual mind will make him more and more dear to her. He will love her unusual looks, her clever mind and her spontaneous nature. Between them, the relationship will be warm, cozy and comfortable.

[if you can't tell, I've adopted the idea of maybe being a little superstitious recently]
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been a while [31 Jul 2009|10:09pm]
It's been some time since last I've posted to this life sucking interwebbing thing. Lots happened at the same time nothings changed. I don't know where to begin.....
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iono [02 Jun 2009|01:51am]
So right now I'm sittin gin my brothers room thinking, it;s 1:51AM and I'm totally just analyzing the past few days or so.
A few weeks ago i met a young lady by the name of Lizzy, I didn't know her nae at all but as tie progressed i found out her name at a function taking place after David Dawson's death [this was at Boulders Creek]. I know that the idea of this is completely perverse because of my friends death, but lets look past that a moment because I don't want to recollect what was once a lively charming young man. We spoke [that is the random girl and I] and I still didn't receive a name at all. Though prior to that I had met her at a house party. I left, with closure to my friends death and memories still bleeding back into vision from the depths of my past. I regress, I'm still shaken by the simplicity of mortality and inability to rationalize that with how easy we can be stricken of it.
She found me on facebook by one mean or another, unsure how she did it but i don't really care at this point; this is trivial right now. We spoke, we hit it off, we met, we slept with each other.... This was honestly a quick one because I feel with no remorse, that I honestly wouldn't have put effort and still have gotten to that point. I put forth more effort and tried to start a relationship with everything hitting the fan because of her emotional instability and my inability to let it go [ though all reason pointed to running the fuck away with the speed of a dead beat dad running from child support. I got a fuck you and fuck off message because she was "not in a good mood" more cop-out bullshit, but whatever I dealt. I dealt in the way I should have from the beginning when iw as told by a secure and more reasonable source than most; that she's nothing more than a child in looks, personality, and in sexual misconduct. that she would go through me as I've done with so many women in the past. She was right, and I'm glad for the experience because it was amazing to see how shallow and pathetic I was to just do that to women and not realize the imbecile that I was portraying. I don't hate her, I just feel confused as to everything though the facts lay there still and solemn like the dead.
through this SAME person who brought her to Boulders Creek, someone else found me interesting and messaged me through AIM after adding me. we are now dating, and I'm happy though cynical of where it will/could lead. but she doesn't smoke or drink, she's an amazing artist and she loves to play tennis. she's driven and has focus on the things she wants to accomplish....... I like this, I like this a lot. she is calm andfinds a way to calm my more childish and unexpected nature, this is good. She has the same hopes many have had before her; that she could repair the damage done to me and the memories of the damage I've caused to other... that's one of those things that really isn't so simple to do, but hell if I'll stop her from trying. I'm nowhere near as horrible as i was years ago or even a week ago. I just want to focus on getting myself out of the hell hole I'm living in; the parasitic people that are eating my very core and the little money that I have for the use of getting ahead in life.
This woman, Tara, she's very pretty; almost gorgeous because it isn't a makeup driven look. She's natural and has eyes that are hazel greenish. She is what she preaches, that's it. I am my past and I am who I am in the present. I don't want to go into more details because of the strain on my hands. I'ave had a long day at work and I just want to rest.
this is all getting complicated, just trying to get life back into order. BTW, in the end Lizzy dated someone else and I'm glad that I didn't. I have things to do with myself and i don't need more burdens right now.
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Dessert [22 May 2009|01:46pm]
Have you ever felt that you yourself were a plant that swayed in the shimmering light and heat of the Sahara? Iono, it sounds stupid to ponder such trivialities but sometimes it makes perfect sense to me. The idea that people though in a collection, still find themselves to be completely separated from one another. Like the idea of two souls that could be one, then part, then through arduous means find each other in life again. That's a beautiful idea, but can we really believe that that could seriously happen? I'd love to trust such ideas at face value, but I can't be as naive as to think that to hold truth. I believe that if people truly have souls that part and must find each other in life, then we have multiple lives to catch the other half. if that's true, than WTF man. You come to tell me that if I'm unlucky this time through, game over, now try again?! Son of a bitch >.
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