| Juego: Opening |
[16 Dec 2009|07:18am] |
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A face scattered across shattered glass, white noise from the town below. Listless hearts wrestling with ones inner most demons. All of these things cam together like a Picaso, form in it's lack there of. Grotesquely beautiful My fist was burning but that didn't matter anymore. Faced with the realization of my weakness.... I assumed I needed a new bathroom mirror. Should have directed my anger elsewhere.
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[14 Dec 2009|09:12pm] |
Treasure the moments that are hidden behind the shadows of the eyes
Read them like poetry softly spoken amongst lovers
hold tightly with little hands attached to ivory thin arms
and never let go of the most important things said without words... See More
"thank you for being you,"
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| morning folks |
[05 Dec 2009|08:16am] |
Just got out of work my friends, sitting at the computer as usual sipping warm milk before I go over to the bed and make nice for a few hours. Thought that maybe I should drop in for a moment or two.
Things have been stable the past few days, nothing has changed except yesterday morning when i came home from work and parents decided to kick me out again.... Nothing out of the usual. Smacked a nicotine patch on and I was on my way XD. hahaha.
Had an amazing salad last night for lunch, and I was able to do two ailes and sale them by six thirty or so. Leveled and done by seven thirty. Twas a good night for me. Now I'm off for bed, pce yo
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| eh |
[03 Dec 2009|09:18am] |
I've noticed that since I've started my new job I can't sleep when I come home... I still need some stimulation, to be active for a bit before I hit the hay. I think this is becoming a bad habit no matter how you look at the situation. I really need to get that thing in check and go to sleep at a decent time hahaha :3 i can't just chill around and think that it's normal that I sleep like three hours a day and go to work :3.
So this morning was really nice, hehe. I love going online and having my random convos with Tara, they always cheer me up and get me going before times up at work and I have to leave. I hope she gets in a good mood before school.... Though she's usually crumby cause she's not a morning person AT ALL. haha. I miss her making me breakfast and going on our afternoon jogg before lunch. :/ guess I'm a sucker for a cute smile and stunning set of legs... That can apparently reach across a room and almost take my head off. [don't piss the wife off again].. OH SHIT, I didn't mention that she tried to nail me with a tennis racket! I was soooo pissed, there was no reason to have that happen either. I threw a ball at her [a tennis ball] and accidently pegged her arm. I did a pendulum throw over head and just snapped my wrist, there was no power at all behind it. She flipped and threw the racket at me. Her mother was totally on my side on that one, since like that was so overboard. But alas, it ended horribly than ended amazingly hehe.... [lips shut on this one folks]. It's nice to have a girlfriend with some feist in her, though I think I'll lay off the tennis for a while.... Too dangerous.
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| drive to work |
[02 Dec 2009|10:43pm] |
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At the moment I'm in the car as my father is driving me to work, a little tired but so far I'm in good spirits. I'm just seeing how my phone does with mobile updates :).... So far so good hehe.
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| mew |
[02 Dec 2009|10:18pm] |
Today was a fairly good day. I spent the whole day sleeping and whatnot while Tara was in NYC walking around with her class on a trip. I really hoped she enjoyed it and as she stated she loved the whole experience hehe.
I'm still tired and I took a few painkillers for my back... guess its starting to happen mew
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| To myself |
[02 Dec 2009|01:40am] |
I've been doing fairly well with sobriety... I will have to honestly admit that at first I didn't think that I could pull that off... I didn't even plan to pull it off, but apparently I'm stronger than i would have cared to believe.
With time I've been getting better and better with my job and also I've liked to think that I've gained their respect as a sick and strange individual with a rather interesting liking of books [I think that if I could I would devour a whole book in a day if, given the time] I'm also slightly fond of Will, who seems to be a good person as far as I know but doesn't make the best decisions for himself does this ring a bell to anyone?
I've been losing weight recently and now I'm legitimately down to one hundred and twenty five pounds. I haven't been this thin since I was in High School. I'm not stating that I'm completely all right with my physical standing, but rather that as of the moment my health is of no concern to anyone since I'm eating there meals a day and also exercising as much as I can. I actual recently was in Philly and I went jogging two days in a row; thank you Tara for pushing me to do it and making me realize I actually DO have ass muscles since they were sore today.
I've found that trader Joe's is like my new all time favorite place to shop for groceries and also that I should look into drinking tea instead of coffee so often, it might be healthier for me.
Now to break down my day:
I woke up
I laid in bed
I went to the bathroom
I laid in bed some more XD
I received some txts and followed through with answering only Tara's
I thought about making more replies.... Than I woke up thirty minutes later wondering what happened.
Smiled briefly at the boots that Tara bought and also enjoyed the new painting she started.
I worked on reading a little more of "Let The Right One In" and I lowered my head and came upstairs for this.
This is basically the rundown on my day; there was chillage with Will but that fell through on accounts of marijuana and sleep deprivation, in lue of these events I found that he canceled Dreamcast night. I saw ATHF for the first time in months and I also took some time to meditate to myself and think. I had an amazing conversation about inter-dimensional travel and what humans should verses what we DO do in order to save our mother earth. It was in every sense mentally stimulating. I don't often have any conversations that are stimulating and I cherish the ones I do happen to fall into. I just don't surround myself with enough people that challenge me I guess.... I wonder if that's a bad thing ??
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| opening |
[16 Oct 2009|01:03am] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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none haha, but apparently this detected me as being in Bayshore. |
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Today was a rather interestingly god day. I woke up at around one as usual since I can't sleep too well. I think that since I wake up everyday at five thirty in the AM I'm getting my sleep completely fucked up you know?! But I can't help that since I do it for Tara, she enjoys talking to me before school begins and so do I.
I had my coffee as any normal afternoon/morning is for me.... Though one cup leads to six, twelve and so on and so forth. Relinquished the cup and sat for a moment to take in everything that the morning was offering... School buses driving up and down the blvd towards their respective destinations, people hovering at their doorsteps smoking a cigarette as they blankly reaffirmed their addictive personalities. Nothing out of the normal for what I call my "morning".
Finally started to get myself together for the gym, as I collected myself, my love Tara got out of school. We exchanged pleasantry's via txting until she arrived home, but at that time I was already in MoFo's car on route to his humble dwellings to pick up personal records he needed to convey to his insurance holder. I would go into further details but that isn't in my place to reveal. I sat in the back of Leviathan 2 [his most trusted means of transportation- i.e his SUV], I called Tara and we continued with our usual exchange of stupid conversation followed by updates on hour our days were... Usually hers being more involved since I don't do much in a day other than anim, eat, workout, read, and the possibility that I'll take an afternoon walk to remind me of how awfully dull Brentwood is. She had to get to her work, and I had to get to my workout. Gym. Than off to MoFo's.
While there we ate what we bought, this being Teriyaki and Naked fruit smoothies... OMG which I've got to say was an amazing smoothie, I can't even front. We watched a little of "The Cleavland Show" and "Community", both insanely hilarious.
The rest of my day was just as uneventful. I finished "RING" by Koji Suzuki, and started on "Let The Right One In" By John Ajvide Lindqvist... [people and their impossible to pranounce names damn it]. I want to have them both done as soon as I can to return Tara's books to her. Anyhow, I've got to hit the damn sack at this moment. So I'll hit this up as usual tomorrow for another enthralling edition to my journal. :3 adios world.
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| self confirmation of recent events |
[10 Oct 2009|12:47pm] |
I've been better recently than I have been in a long time. Though recently I had a small altercation with the law. I was once again arrested by New York State troopers for speeding and drinking. This isn't really something I'm very proud of as of right now but I have nothing to say in my defense except that I'm a complete imbecile. To come this far and to almost throw all of that away because of a bottled bullshit thingy. I can't believe myself for being that irresponsible.
My relationship is going very well to say the least on that subject. The only thing that troubles me is the lack of communication we've been having as of recently because of her school and my hectic work schedule, which if I get this new position I'll have an even more insane schedule than previously. But like today, I have off all day and she said she wanted to talk to me today and as of right now I've gotten jack shit in response and reaction to that statement. That's annoying since I took off from work to make time for her since we've been so busy and stressed recently. Sometims I think that I should just focus on myself and stop responding and caring about others like I used to. I did so wel back then, I used to get by and saved myself from soo much drama and damage. But later I made so many enemies because I was being kind but false, I didn't keep anyone near me or dear to me. I know that this statement is ridiculous honestly, since things are fine as they are. But I hate the fact that I try and try to make time and have that time thrown back at me. Right now I could be making money but I'm not in order to spend just THAT much more time with her and hear her voice. I do respect that she stay up late for me so that she can talk to me on school nights and she gets four hours of sleep. I don't downgrade that commitment, but I wish she would kind of take advantage that today I took time off for her. Kind of annoying to say the least.
School is something I haven't been able to go back to since of all of the recent predicaments. I really wish I could go back, but I can't until I've completed all that I need too. Now that I have this felony conviction I don't even know if I'll ever go back since I might have lost my financial aid for good.... That scares me a whole lot right now since I don't know how I'll do college with no financial aid.
I bought a new car that I can't drive..... fuck me for the irony of this all.
I think Squee put it best when he said " Stick to the FUCKit theory"... cause honestly right now there seems to be a lot of things I would like to say fuck it to, or FUCK OFF.
Back to initial aggrivation.
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| Libra MALE [me] with Aquarious FEMALE [Tara] |
[01 Aug 2009|02:15am] |
A Libra man and an Aquarius woman gel quite well, as they have many similar personality traits. Their relationship has the advantages of both a love match as well as friendship. He will always make her feel special and there will be no lack of demonstrativeness on his part. His light-hearted attitude, his flirting style and his intellectual mind will make him more and more dear to her. He will love her unusual looks, her clever mind and her spontaneous nature. Between them, the relationship will be warm, cozy and comfortable.
[if you can't tell, I've adopted the idea of maybe being a little superstitious recently]
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| been a while |
[31 Jul 2009|10:09pm] |
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It's been some time since last I've posted to this life sucking interwebbing thing. Lots happened at the same time nothings changed. I don't know where to begin.....
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| iono |
[02 Jun 2009|01:51am] |
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music |
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Apoptygma Berzerk - Unicorn |
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So right now I'm sittin gin my brothers room thinking, it;s 1:51AM and I'm totally just analyzing the past few days or so.
A few weeks ago i met a young lady by the name of Lizzy, I didn't know her nae at all but as tie progressed i found out her name at a function taking place after David Dawson's death [this was at Boulders Creek]. I know that the idea of this is completely perverse because of my friends death, but lets look past that a moment because I don't want to recollect what was once a lively charming young man. We spoke [that is the random girl and I] and I still didn't receive a name at all. Though prior to that I had met her at a house party. I left, with closure to my friends death and memories still bleeding back into vision from the depths of my past. I regress, I'm still shaken by the simplicity of mortality and inability to rationalize that with how easy we can be stricken of it.
She found me on facebook by one mean or another, unsure how she did it but i don't really care at this point; this is trivial right now. We spoke, we hit it off, we met, we slept with each other.... This was honestly a quick one because I feel with no remorse, that I honestly wouldn't have put effort and still have gotten to that point. I put forth more effort and tried to start a relationship with everything hitting the fan because of her emotional instability and my inability to let it go [ though all reason pointed to running the fuck away with the speed of a dead beat dad running from child support. I got a fuck you and fuck off message because she was "not in a good mood" more cop-out bullshit, but whatever I dealt. I dealt in the way I should have from the beginning when iw as told by a secure and more reasonable source than most; that she's nothing more than a child in looks, personality, and in sexual misconduct. that she would go through me as I've done with so many women in the past. She was right, and I'm glad for the experience because it was amazing to see how shallow and pathetic I was to just do that to women and not realize the imbecile that I was portraying. I don't hate her, I just feel confused as to everything though the facts lay there still and solemn like the dead.
through this SAME person who brought her to Boulders Creek, someone else found me interesting and messaged me through AIM after adding me. we are now dating, and I'm happy though cynical of where it will/could lead. but she doesn't smoke or drink, she's an amazing artist and she loves to play tennis. she's driven and has focus on the things she wants to accomplish....... I like this, I like this a lot. she is calm andfinds a way to calm my more childish and unexpected nature, this is good. She has the same hopes many have had before her; that she could repair the damage done to me and the memories of the damage I've caused to other... that's one of those things that really isn't so simple to do, but hell if I'll stop her from trying. I'm nowhere near as horrible as i was years ago or even a week ago. I just want to focus on getting myself out of the hell hole I'm living in; the parasitic people that are eating my very core and the little money that I have for the use of getting ahead in life.
This woman, Tara, she's very pretty; almost gorgeous because it isn't a makeup driven look. She's natural and has eyes that are hazel greenish. She is what she preaches, that's it. I am my past and I am who I am in the present. I don't want to go into more details because of the strain on my hands. I'ave had a long day at work and I just want to rest.
this is all getting complicated, just trying to get life back into order. BTW, in the end Lizzy dated someone else and I'm glad that I didn't. I have things to do with myself and i don't need more burdens right now.
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| Dessert |
[22 May 2009|01:46pm] |
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Have you ever felt that you yourself were a plant that swayed in the shimmering light and heat of the Sahara? Iono, it sounds stupid to ponder such trivialities but sometimes it makes perfect sense to me. The idea that people though in a collection, still find themselves to be completely separated from one another. Like the idea of two souls that could be one, then part, then through arduous means find each other in life again. That's a beautiful idea, but can we really believe that that could seriously happen? I'd love to trust such ideas at face value, but I can't be as naive as to think that to hold truth. I believe that if people truly have souls that part and must find each other in life, then we have multiple lives to catch the other half. if that's true, than WTF man. You come to tell me that if I'm unlucky this time through, game over, now try again?! Son of a bitch >.
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| soo |
[16 May 2009|03:37am] |
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there's this chick i really REALLY like.... I don't know what to do about it. Kailee doesn't want me associating with her at all romantically and i really want to. even though there's dramma in her past. i feel like there could really be something here with her if if I try hard cause she's like perfect for me. I love everything about her and when we're together I'm happy. Even when apart I'm happy, I don't even care that it's hard to get in touch with her sometimes.. she makes me smile in the most obscene ways... and it works. She makes me feel happy that I'm still alive, it's hard to call or txt her, but when we talk it's amazing. I love her voice and I wish I could make her happy. cause in such an odd way she makes me happy. Kinda like i wanna do better so i could give her the experiences i had and make them ten times better cause she deserves it. I wanna love her and be there for her. I wonder if she could do the same for me though, cause it isn't easy since i'm a mover. I move alot from place to place and thought to thought. I love moving all over the east coast. i love to move everywhere and hopefully all over the world. I wonder if she has the adventure spirit that I have about just picking up and going with no regard about financial stability. but i wanna give her more than i've given other women......... though Kailee is always right and this could be my downfall.... since if I do this i leave myself vulnerable again towards someone that might not even care the same way or even care about me a tenth like I do.....I don't wanna make a mistake and get hurt by being me when i could easily be slash and not get hurt at all. but I would rather take a chance and get hurt and risk falling in love than not having the opportunity.
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| Lizzy |
[07 May 2009|01:39am] |
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wow, I don't know what I can say about her at the hell all... I can't even put my finger on how I feel about her in a relationship... I like her alot. A few minutes ago she flipped a shit on me cause she thinks I'm like every other guy and I really am.. But I'm not when it comes to her. I seriously want something real. Tomorrow I'm going to the tattoo shop and I hope Kailee can give me some advice. I'm a little scared cause i really like her alot an dreally fast too. We have everything in common and I hope that things work out. She seems like someone that really could mean alot
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| nice |
[08 Apr 2009|12:49am] |
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music |
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skinny puppy- incision |
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It's the most amazing thing to come home after a long day of work and have a cold refreshing fuckin beer! But wha tI don't see fit after such a long day of labor, is to come home, have to wait for a fucking shower, have spiteful looks thrown, and above that have your girlfriend give you a hard time cause you love tattoos and she doesn't..... Than have an otherwise great conversation go down the drain from there, leading to the inevitable " Fuck this, I'm totally not dealing with this today I'll catch you later *click*"......... This was how my day has been since I started work at two even though I was suppose to be in at twelve but I didn't notice the revised schedule. Damn me and my ignorant thoughts of how maybe a schedule is something to plan your day with and that NORMAL they should let you know when there's a revision or at least give you a fucking call ahead of time so you don't have to walk in after a night in babylon playing ITG, tired and cranky froma train ride and walk home from islip to Brentwood.... Which I might add was actually fucking nice if it weren't for the honking [fgts think I'm a god damn chick, what the hell dude]. Today has been a fucking splendid day, and of course I'm writing in here cause I don't really know where the hell else to turn since I don't know who to vent too these days anymore. I would vent to Vexx, but he's MIA in Japan. I would LOVE to talk to Kailee, but I think she's sleeping. Kaleah would be amazing to bring this up to since she's empathetic, but I still have feelings for her that I haven't really resolved for the most part; mostly cause I haven't really put closure in my own head cause of wishful thinking that I can fix something that I surely broke long ago with my jaded and deliberately over the top lifestyle. It's a miracle that right now I'm not running for the closest thing and running a muck in a public area. Than again, I'm not the type that would draw attention to the deep seeded hatred for the large quantity of people that I don't fucking like. Not that there's any that read this, since most are neutral parties that know me from first hand experience or a third party. IE Craphazzard whom I enjoy the company of ALOT but never seem to get in touch or see him often. Or Squee but that's long fucking gone, he won't even answer phone calls so I stopped trying.
On a different note, I really do fucking love Coffee, and it's giving me a boost to think of potential tattoo ideas and art ideas. I've decided on what I want to sketch for my K-Homework. It's somebody that I love more dearly than my own life, but show no emotion to. Someone that holds everything I am in them, but still I mention them not. Someone that in a sense will continue on everything that I am as a person and as a mature adult in a distant future. I think Kailee will be proud of me. This was the right choice to make, since everything I usually do is geared towards myself, I chose someone that I would selflessly devote everything to if I had a chance for my portrait. It'll be epic.
Just to drop names here at the end. I love you James, Kailee, Foamy [when you aint hitting on my chicks], Kaleah, Hork [ cause you're understanding and are there when i drop the ball], Azuli and myself most of all. Things seem to be getting more clear now a'days.
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| scratching |
[31 Mar 2009|02:38am] |
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a constant reminder of where I am and where I want to be. The skies the limitless magnus opus of some higher entity that for the living, will most likely never comprehend until death. I can remember being torn between wanting to go forward and kiss the sky, hit the stars and the moon with the palms of my hands... Always coming down from some high and realizing I was earthbound and about to be six feet under. I'm happy that I'm still alive, still breathing and moving on a daily basis; I'm sure there's people who regret that good fortune of mine. I wonder if I deepen the cuts just by being happy? I sure do fucking hope so, I could use a good laugh on a sleepless night.
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| Mesmorized |
[26 Mar 2009|04:04pm] |
Would you take the time to cast out your regret, and is it rational to have regret when all things are just part of what makes you you??? I've often wondered it myself, cause there's things that I regret, but at the very same time I do't find any reason to regret it either.
Sometimes I really wish I knew what Iw as doing with the rest of my life, but than again I wouldn't wanna ruin the surprises along the way you know. Like right now I have to wait fer this paper to be mailed to me within the next few days to get the license.. I have a car already set up to drive once I have the god damn plastic. Than I'm driving down to NC where I'm gonna live from now on cause I'm sick and tired of the same old rhetoric from people here, and I'm sick of the name I've made for myself here. I have either good or bad publicity which in either case is good cause people know me, but I don't enjoy having some things brought back up from my past. So I'd rather just start over if I can. I could do it here, I mean Kailee said so and she has all the reasoning in the world. I don't have to leave if I don't wanna, but eh, sometimes I just feel like it's too damn expensive right here in New York. I'll never be able to get my own pad at this rate BUUUUT I'm def taking her advice on art. She's right, I should do something I'm happy doing, not something I just do fer the cash. I hate her sometimes, I don't think she's ever been wrong.
I've been doing pretty damn well at my job recently, I haven't really had any complaints. I don't like closing too much cause it take forever and it feel as if I'll never get out, plus I eat too damn much there and I'm afraid to gain all the weight from when I was a kid back. I really worry about my damn weight too damn much.
I'm with and not with Micah anymore. The girls cool but the end product is that it's hard since I don't have a cell to keep in touch and I'm always out so she's always upset with that even when I'm not drinking [yeah I'm a nerd and I play Magic alot so sue me ass]..... I need to pay that cell bill off as soon as I can.
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| Throw Backs |
[21 Feb 2009|03:08pm] |
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OK, so I know I said I wouldn't write in here again, but I've been drinking absinthe so I'm allowed to write here if I feel like it. NOOBS?!! Yo, So like I'm totally not sure what I'm doing with like three dif chicks.... really freakin me out since I don't want alot on my plate right now but three chicks is decent enough to give me a hassle.yhidufbvhoidfhb fdtalk later, getting it on I think?!?!?!
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| ugh |
[11 Feb 2009|10:27am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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Underoath- Reinventing your Exit |
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So I signed up fer this semester.... kind of a hassle since I really didn't feel like waking up. But today I was up at the crack of dawn surprisingly, though I have heartburn right now D:<.... Kiera and I ended. Not like it was too much of a surprise, she's young and I'm much older so really it was just what it was. I guess the commenter's from earlier are right, I go into groups and then I get bored and move on. I can't say that it holds true for everyone. I'm still here if people contact me, I was just under the radar for a while. I can be kind of an ass when it coes to contacting people or even showing an ounce of compassion or regards for others feelings. I'm taking what I've been told to heart a little. Looking in towards myself I've noticed I can be selfish and inconsiderate. I can be self centered and self loathing. I'm more than anything, self destructive and abusive. Of all the people I've put through hell, I did my worst to Kailee and Kaleah. I put them through a personal hell that no person ever deserved. Both their love fer me and compassion was met with my drug abuse and failure to be both a friend, boyfriend, lover, and confidant. I don't take responsibility for what comes out of my mouth, I just blame things on others. I'm cynical. I distrust so many people and feed lies in order to hide the parts of me I'm afraid to share with others. I've noticed that James somehow read through it and it makes sense that hes by my side cause he's the rationality I didn't have back then. Now he respects me cause I destroy myself and somehow find a way back from the gates of purgatory. But I want to be respected for the things I build that are long lasting. Like real friendships, school, music, work, kids. I've built a great relationship with James, Foamy, Billy, Jazzy, and Brujo. I'm hoping that with the band I'll reconnect with Sic Nick who was a great friend during high school and I faded out with expulsion.There's so many people I want to apologize to, but I could never face ever again. I still have the urge to run away and act as though it something that doesn't matter, but I can't be a child about things. I've started to realize what I really lost when I didn't take Kailee's threats to leave and black list me seriously. Never thought that anyone would matter that much. I can see now the hurt she felt when she saw me fade away and she was losing a best friend. I still look on to the day we went to the Chinese Buffet, when we walked back to Erics I think it was... I was in the tree. The other time when i JUST came back from Florida and I had a shaved head, for the longest time she had the picture with her..... I'm a louse and a degenerate. I really fucked up these past two years when I thought I was doing better. I was a more compassionate person and I was there more often when I was on drugs. Off of them I was just as bad. You can't change a person, just make some traits more obvious. Once terrible always terrible though? FUck. I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.... I just don't like what it feels like since I'm starting to really use my common sense and reason. I really didn't take thought in my actions. I def thank the experience of dating Kiera for waking me up.If I didn't take to heart some of the things she said, I don't think I would have ever realized what a disaster I was and still am sometimes.
I'm sorry for all of you that watched me self destruct. I'm sorry for you who have wasted time, effort, love, and money on my selfish actions. I'm sorry for those that loved me and were met with lies. I'm sorry for the person I was. The only way I can show how deeply I'm hurt and moved by what I've realized is by bettering myself and moving forward and becoming the person some of you hoped and wished that I would become. I'm also sorry Squee for never showing you how much your friendship meant to me. I hope you read this and come in contact with me again because I've tried to find you.
I'm going to stop writing in here for a while until I get things rolling in my life. Than I want to read my entries and see how much has changed. I hope I do change.
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